Apologies, Thanks, and the First Day of the Rest of My Life

Okay, if you’re one of the three people who’ve been keeping up with this little rambling adventure (thanks for that info, Facebook insights!), you’ve been subjected to more than your fair share of wasted time. You’ve listened to me whine, whine, whine and, as Johnny Cash once sang, “Cry, cry, cry.” You’ve read thoughts and wanderings that rival those of Eeyore, with elements of self-doubt, self-deprecation, and more.

And, for that, I want to apologize. A little anyway.

I won’t apologize for it all because those thoughts and feelings were, in large part, real and present in the moments when my fingers ran across the keyboard. As I sat to type and pound out another blog, those were the thoughts running through my mind. But, as any good writer should know (and I’m not quite sure I put myself in that category just yet), folks need diversity. They need something compelling and honest, sure, but they also need levity and someone or something to get behind and believe in.

And I apologize for having not been that sort of guy.

I apologize for really not even having believed in myself over this past bit of time.

And I apologize for the way that it’s leeched into this writing. In some ways, I feel like several of these posts have become a “Moaning Myrtle” (Yup, just showed my nerd card there) of the internet, with daily moans and groans instead of points of insight, humor, and maybe, just maybe, something inspiring along the way.

I aim to correct that in the future. And while I will continue to write honest, heartfelt posts (sorry, that’s just the way I’m wired) and sometimes it will be less-than-encouraging, I promise to do so in such a way that has purpose and meaning, rather than coming across as a simply shallow and self-serving pity party.

So, to those of you who’ve endured, I apologize.

With the next breath, I want to also thank some people, those people who, to date, have stood by me through this short journey thus far and still believe. I’ll admit it and, if you’ve read this thing at any length you know it, but I struggle sometimes with self-confidence. I may come across as self-assured in person but whether it be writing, parenting, working, and Lord knows, anything to do with skating, I wrestle with some internal insecurities. And let’s be honest, my little elements of introvertedness don’t help either.

But, despite my bugs and flaws, I’ve been fortunate enough to be surrounded by some pretty great people who do believe in me. And to them I just want to take a moment and say thank you.

To my wife and kids, I can honestly say that this journey would not have begun without you. I’m pursuing this for you and alongside you and I can’t think of a better way to make it happen. Thanks for putting up with me!

To my dedicated and tireless coach (and occasional tech advisor) and friend, ProseHack: You’ve listened to more than one bout of excuses after another and have been kind and patient, yet firm, throughout it all. I’m not gonna lie; one of my goals is to nail this sport simply to make you proud. Thanks for believing.

To my fellow rookies, past and present: To those of you who’ve come and already ascended the ranks like Punchline and PapaRotZ, thanks so much for your continued support. Watching you guys segue into the bigs the way you have and continue to offer support to us still rocking the Bambi track is more than encouraging. You’re doing awesome and I’m proud to have learned with you. And to my other fellow up-and-comers, Trouble and Wil-Power, I can’t say that I’d want to be learning with anyone else. You guys are awesome sources of encouragement and I don’t want to let you down. Let’s do this thing!

To the Hit Crew: There are some of you guys who I’m getting to know pretty well and others who are probably not even aware of my existence. But watching each and every one of you step out onto the track and put in your best each and every practice is such an encouragement. I often have the tendency, as many of us do I’m assuming, to be such an internal person, thinking I’m the only one with a crazy schedule and life but I’m not. You guys are just as jammed if not more and you’re out there laying it all on the line and I respect that. I do hope to one day join you out there and make you proud but in the meantime, thanks so much for your kind words and hard work.  And to those of you, who know who you are, who've gone above and beyond to offer words of advice and encouragement, I doubly thank you.

To you, dear reader: If you’ve managed to read this far, please know you’re appreciated. Outside of skating, my second biggest insecurity comes with writing. To know that even a few perhaps find something of value here goes a long way. Thanks.

And so with those apologies and thanks, I’m trying to think of this as the first day of the rest of my life. After struggling off and on with thoughts of starting and stopping, I’ve made the decision in my head to do it. Yeah, I’m only one practice back (and feeling it, as sad as that is, reminding me of just how out of shape I am) but I’m not giving up. I’m going to do all to not only work hard but to keep my focus right where it needs to be.

And ultimately, I’m going to start believing in myself.

Because, as a friend reminded me this morning, “If you don’t believe in yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?”

Thanks for believing.