Thursday, January 3, 2013

Trying to Get My Head Back in the Game

Hey there! Long time no see, right?

Yes, the holidays saw me and my little blogging adventure here take a bit of a holiday ourselves, allowing the collision of the birth of Christ and the coming of 2013 to sideline my roller derby life for just a bit. 

And it was a pleasant and enjoyable holiday, as I hope and pray that yours was. I thankfully got to spend some very good quality time with my kids and games were played, parks visited, and our arteries clogged with fast food (a bit of a treat). Wrapping paper was shredded and many gifts exchanged, tons of food eaten (sense a theme here?), and fun had by all. My wife took the life of a boar with her minivan, resulting in a Dexter-esque spray of blood everywhere and I took my first trek to IKEA (and subsequently spent the two days after mired in the joy that is assembling furniture).

Yes, it truly was a fun and joyous holiday.

And, ironically, it was more or less derby free.

Now, I know for some, that’s something of a curse or something that will, at the very least, cause you to catch your breath. But, for me, it was okay. I frankly still don’t quite understand going onto Facebook and seeing those who’ve posted their angst at having not been on skates for a week or two and their eagerness to return. Even my wife found herself in this boat, after a week off, and chomping at the bit to put her skates back on.

I’m just not there yet.

Now, I’ve spoken a lot on here, in the stops and starts, and the stops again, of my little derby experiment about motivation and it’s a conversation that will need to continue to happen for me to keep going. Because, unlike when the volleyball bug bit me in middle school and I wanted to do nothing more than to work on and play the sport, skating, and subsequently, roller derby, has not captured my heart just yet.

Truthfully, I wonder whether or not it ever will.

And, frankly, that frustrates the hell out of me. Because I can’t figure out why I’m so confused and conflicted over this sport and its surroundings. On one hand, I truly see the coolness and the excitement of the game. It’s fun to watch, particularly once you have a greater understanding and connection with it, and the athleticism and dedication required to get there are very underrated, something my more recent experiences have made that much more obvious to me. And clearly the game has been good for my family as well, giving my wife renewed confidence in herself, my daughter a great platform for her athleticism, and reminding my son that there’s more to life than video games.

But, on the other hand, I also have almost a jealous feeling toward roller derby as well because, for the past year, I’ve been that guy on the sidelines, sitting in the shadows, and have just been off to the side. I guess that I almost resent it in some ways, as crazy as that sounds. And I almost find myself, against myself (again, sounding crazy), resenting those who are finding so much value in the game because I myself haven’t as of yet. In the words of Lifehouse, it’s a “sick cycle carousel.”

But even through the craziness, I attempt to find some notes of clarity and one of those notes reminds me that my journey has been all too short thus far. Injuries and illnesses have hampered me and I’ve really only touched my toe to the water, if that. If I’m going to be fair to the game, and to the challenge I’ve allowed myself to approach, I’ve got to be willing to wade in a little deeper.

So for 2013, that’s what I’m going to try to do, to begin to develop some consistency and give skating (because I still gotta master that before I go forward), and roller derby, an honest and fair shot. If it’s meant so much to my family and to our new friends, it must have some value; it’s not fair of me to simply dismiss it and any attempt at it after such a short and tumultuous trial period.

Therefore, I’m trying to keep my head up and stay focused. You’ll forgive me if I’m not ga-ga over the game just yet but I’m willing to give it a go and at least give things a fair shake. That’s all I can do right now.

Just keeping it honest and real; see you at practice.

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