Have you ever had one of those days, or, as in this case, one of those weeks, where you simply wish that you could’ve grabbed onto Life’s big remote control and hit fast forward? Or rewind in order to go back and work things differently? Either way, you just wanted to stomp on some buttons to make this mess go by?Yeah, that’s what this week has felt like.
And for this little, so-called “derby life” of mine, it was virtually non-existent. Because, let’s be honest, what is there to talk about if you don’t even come close to pulling on your skates, let alone putting them to the rink floor. And yes, it was something legitimate that kept me from those endeavors, keeping my lone rink experience limited to picking up my kids from open skate on Wednesday, but it feels like it was something more.I guess that part of the frustration is that I feel like this adventure has been like getting into a poorly tuned car. I started out with plenty of flash, hope, and pizazz, only to be railroaded by my broken ribs. That time provided me a chance to push through some barriers mentally, trying to stay focused and intent on the idea that I was really going to do this thing.
Then I was back on skates and still like little Bambi, skittering here and there and eventually tending to fall a little bit less, my lone note of success up to this point. And I watched while those who’d started at the same time, unhampered by injury, grew and grew in their skills, their enthusiasm growing with each practice and their successes pushing them to do more and more.And I was happy for them, proud to even have shared a little bit of track for them for a little while.
But, once again this week, I found myself sidelined with some cold or sinus thing or other and I had to call off both practices once again.Leaving me with more time to think than I’d prefer.
See, my mind is my most powerful enemy, simply because it never stops. I’m one of those folks who, when waking at three in the morning, will struggle to fall back asleep because, for whatever reason, my mind snaps to being and doesn’t stop, endlessly churning out thoughts of what needs done, pondering this and pondering that.It’s really annoying.
As of late, so much of it has been focused on this journey and trying to stay focused and positive. But, while I’ve always considered myself a glass “half full” sort of guy, I’m finding it more and more difficult to do that, finding negativity creeping into my thoughts left and right.So I’m going to be honest, I’m at a difficult mental place right now because, let’s be honest, this derby stuff is hard. It’s harder than anything I’ve done in a long, long time. In fact, in may be one of the toughest things I’ve ever tried.
And it’s so damn tough on my pride and on my psyche. It’s not an easy challenge to try to get consistently excited about something that you suck at. Even when I consciously realize that the only way to improve is through practice, practice, practice, the simple reminder of feeling unsteady, of feeling uncertain and unsure, is enough to make my mind swirl and cause me to reconsider.Social networking does not help in this because, if I’m being honest, I get so jealous and envious reading so many posts about great practices, sore bones, and derby this and that, reminding me of where I’m not at. Hell, if I’m being really honest, I’m even jealous that so many of you even have the time to do so many things. Right now, I feel like so much of life is just a double helping of work with a side of work followed by, you guessed it, work. And then it’s off to try and be a husband and dad too.
It’s infuriating to me simply because I want to share in that same enjoyment. And again, I know that each and every person who’s seen growth in their game and in the community of this sport has worked hard and it; they’ve shed their fair share of blood and tears and will no doubt shed more down the line.But right now, this one other little thing, this little cold or flu bug, complete with clogged ear, has me in the dumps and on the sidelines once again. And in this moment, I’m discouraged. Maybe it’s not the big “manly” thing to confess but it’s true. I’m tired of being terrible at this thing.
I’m tired of sucking.I’m tired of wrestling with myself and trying to fight to even go out and try.
I want to enjoy the freedom and the joy that so many seem to garner from this sport, the elation of competition and the camaraderie of community.I guess I just want to be one of the gang.
But, right now, I’m just in the dumps.Maybe the doctor’ll have something to cure that this morning.
Either way, there’s always next week. (See, I’ve still got a little glass “half full” in me!)(We’re in the final push this weekend to help Rescue Project Rainbow! We need you to help us out as this fine program helps to provide Christmas joy for families raising developmentally disabled children. Please consider giving even a dollar and sharing the link to the fundraiser with all of your social media friends!)